Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
be right there i have to get my cape
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
