How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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