her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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