we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
