Im at strip club and am horny
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
