Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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