Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
