i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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