Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
