I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
