just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
