when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
