Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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