Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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