I feel like I'm in dance class right now
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
