So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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