Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
