last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
