Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
