I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have already put on my inside pants.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
