i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
