I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
