Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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