I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
