If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
