I got chris browned last night
no, he came in my armpit
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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