Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
