It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
