I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
