I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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