If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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