The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
