If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
