and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
