dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
