just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
