So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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