we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize