i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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