update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
