they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
