Soap is not a condiment
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
