Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
