we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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