M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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