Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
