Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
