You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
