Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
