stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize