I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
