I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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