i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
