everyone is single if you try hard enough
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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