I need help removing her.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Damn victory sex feels great
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize