Hey man sorry I got all grabby
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
