angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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