I met the friendliest cop last night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
