Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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