nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
