if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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